Fading Hope, Changing Tide
by Oneringtohallowsend
Summary: Merlin has grown bitter as he no longer strives to return magic to the land his only desire to see Arthur safe and happy. Even though that happiness is not with him. The royal wedding fast approaches and the union between the King and Queen will shake the laws of Camelot to her knees.


In a kingdom, called Camelot, that was the epicenter for the land of Albion, there was a King. Not just any king but The King; the one that children were told stories about as their eyes grew heavy with sleep and the one whose enemies both reviled and feared. This King was the hope and blinding light to all who laid there heads down while sleeping in the well protected borders of a fragile, tottering on its legs Albion.

The air in Albion in the past months held a tone of anticipation that grew to a tumultuous level as one breached the walls of Camelot. A wedding is a joyous occasion but it is more than just that when the wedding is a royal one. The soon to be bonding of King Arthur and the Lady Guinevere had caused the shaking of many heads from the nobility class and cheers among the peasants. To one lone man, however, the wedding was to be a bittersweet occasion. The King's manservant was happy for his friends whom, against all odds, had come together and developed a strong relationship built on the goodness, to be found, in both their hearts. It also marked the ending of a hopeless dream that had haunted his heart since an arrogant prince had asked him to 'walk on his knees'. He had hoped that the words Kilgarrah had spoken would ring true and that he and Arthur would truly be two sides to the same coin. Two halves of one soul untied in all ways but that was the foolish musing hope of a boy. A decade had passed since that encounter and though their relationship was filled with the same banter and companionship it had always had there was a distance between him and his king.

A distance that grew wider as Arthur began to convey his innermost thoughts not to his manservant but future wife. Merlin tried not to begrudge him that as it was his right. HE tried not to hold harsh feelings towards Gwen who'd always been a friend. There were times though when selfish, spiteful thoughts clouded his mind like a poison. He'd ask himself what she had done to deserve someone like Arthur, what she had sacrificed so he may live safely, what had she denied herself and those she loved so he may be happy in his ignorance. He would answer himself nothing and curse the fates who had laid the pieces of this wretched path before him.

Gaius had asked him once what had happened to the bright, hopeful, wide eyed boy who'd stumbled into his rooms and at the time Merlin had simply answered that he had grown up. He hadn't mentioned that he had grown up by drowning himself in secrets and lies. Had grown into a man who'd bled all he could and lost so many in hopes that one day he'd be able to tell the truth and not wonder how long until he felt the pyre's flame or the headsman's axe. His bright eyed youth had tuned into a spiteful, cunning warlock who now knew that the day he hoped would come would never do so because he'd allowed himself to be quite too long.

In trying to keep Arthur safe he had sacrificed the safety and happiness of not only himself but his people. All those who practiced magic by way of birth or learned had been looking to him as a beacon of change now stood lost as he had long turned his back on that portion of his destiny. He hid without question and did what needed to be done in the name of his king. None of this would change even after the wedding. Merlin would still seek to keep Arthur safe and assure his happiness but he was beginning to realize that he would receive no happiness in return.

He'd been asked once how he managed to save Arthur, Camelot, his friends so many times and be able to walk away with no credit. In fact was usually the butt end of a joke that called him coward. He'd had answered that he did not do all he did for glory or recognition and he supposed that was true. He wanted no big feasts or tournaments held in his honor but he allowed himself to admit that hearing a simple thank you from Arthur's lips would be like a healing balm to his soul. Arthur was a King though and therefore was not in the habit of thanking servants for things they to his knowledge, had no part in.

He stood by one of the windows in the castle looking out ar the trees and wondering what it might be like to become one. Trees were seemingly immortal to humans because if they were not felled they outlived most men. Merlin was not most men and he knew that he would outlive all the trees on the earth and live longer still. You cannot truly kill something which is a fundamental part of the world: as the world would not allow it. He would have to suffer the loss of his king, a man he could admit in his heart of hearts to love more deeply than any other. He would be forced to watch the fall of Camelot because eventually all kingdoms do and all reigns end. He would watch as time eroded mountains and shaped the landscape into something new. He'd see it all and gain nothing from it. Logically he knew the earth owed him nothing, the world was not at fault, but he knew he deserved more than this. At least he thought he did but perhaps he had already lived another life in which his sins were far to great to ever be paid in full with one lifetime so they gave him an unlimited supply.

"Merlin." Arthur's sharp voice broke him from his spiraling thoughts and as he turned to face him he steeled himself and made his face impassive.

"Yes, Sire?" His tone was neutral but friendly enough and like Arthur always had in the last few months did not seem to notice anything off about his servant.

"I want you check on Guinevere. Make sure she is comfortable and has everything she needs for tomorrow. After that I want you to make sure that the cooks are on schedule, the hall decorating plans are coming along, clean my room, polish my armor, make sure my clothes for tomorrow are ready, and then muck out my stables. " His tone was teasing by the last one as he rattled off his impossible amount of chores as the it had already passed midday. Merlin simply nodded feeling his heart clench as he tried not to look at his king for to long because it hurt so much.

"As you wish, Sire." Without waiting to be dismissed he walked away from his king and managing to not turn around.

He sometimes hated the bitter man he had become because it was not the way his mother had raised him. Speaking of that was another person he had wronged. He'd seen her once two years ago and wrote to her maybe four times a year. Not nearly enough but he couldn't risk her seeing the type of man he had become. A man battered by loss, tempered by pain, forged in agony. Her Merlin he feared had long since died or hidden himself away in the far recesses of his mind.

As he set out to do all that his King had commanded him he readied himself for a long night followed by a longer day. Tomorrow he would watch the man he loved marry the woman he was crazy for. Tomorrow peasantry from all over the land would rejoice and celebrations would commence. Tomorrow he would finally go to the tavern and try to drown himself in a tankard of mead. Tomorrow he would make sure to keep his facade in place and to limit his interaction with anyone who might see if it started cracking.

He wasn't aware that in just a little over a year the royal couple would present their first child to the court. He wasn't aware that he would help Arthur plan his first wedding anniversary and would work his hardest to make sure it went without a hitch. He wasn't aware that in two years the laws against magic would be repealed as the heir to the throne was caught floating toys into his crib. He wasn't aware of any of this. He wasn't aware that destiny has a way of unfolding in unpredictable ways. He wasn't aware just how long he would travel his road in solitude. One day though he would learn that some roads are meant to be traveled alone did not have to mean he would never have those who would walk it with him for a time.


End file.
